Blog Archives

Live in the moment

9/30/2013

Do you live in the moment or are you always waiting for the next thing to happen?

“What day is it?"
It's today," squeaked Piglet.
My favorite day," said Pooh.”
―  A.A. Milne

Everyday should be your favorite day. Some days are crappy, like today I am sick and can't wait until I feel well again, but I can still appreciate what I have and realize this won't last forever. Look for the positive in what you have and not the negative. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”
―  Eckhart Tolle,  The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

Don't run out of time, live in the now and glory in all that is around you.

You are not alone

9/29/2013

When someone you love has a mental illness it can be very stressful and challenging for those around them. Remember that you are not alone and don't have to do this in isolation. NAMI (national alliance on mental illness) www.nami.org has support groups online and in your area. Talking to others who are going through similar situations to you can be extremely enlightening. You realize that you are not alone and often your situation may not be as bad as you thought they were. Sharing your feelings and fears with other like minded people is always helpful and should be a top priority.

Challenges

9/28/2013

"A new day presents new challenges. New challenges present opportunity, and growth shall result."
Matthew

My son has amazing words of wisdom and insight. He can't always heed his own advise. All of us often know the correct thing to do, but we aren't always prepared to do it.

The why?

9/26/2013

I was recently asked by someone why I wrote my memoir. "Did you write for fun, fame, or fortune?" was the question they asked. I had to pause a moment to think about it and then said, "none of those things, I wrote it for me, for therapeutic reasons."

I have wanted to write a book for at least twenty years. I have started and stopped several times, but never had the correct topic or the right drive to get it finished. If you asked me four years ago if I would write about the trauma I was going through with my son, I would have given you a resounding, "No!" But as time has gone by and I have come to except the struggles, and realized, with help, that I needed to write about them. I had a deep desire to put it on paper. Believing it would give me comfort is why I wrote. The words came easy, the writing was fluid, and as I relived each painful moment, in the four years of the memoir, it was cathartic and I presumed it would help others too.

It wasn't easy to write, at certain times I had to get up and walk away from my computer, breathe, leave it for a day or so, and come back to it later. My husband asked me why I was doing this if it was so painful? I simply stated that I had to, that it was a benefit to me, even if it was painful, and it has been a benefit. It has opened my eyes to understanding my son better. It has taught me a great deal about mental health and it has given me an opportunity to give advice to others going through similar situations.

I feel lucky to have experienced the things in my life that I have. Would I want to repeat them? No, but can I learn from them and aid others in their journey? Absolutely.

Residential Treatment Center part 2

9/25/2013

I have a limited amount of experience with treatment centers, but I wanted to share the knowledge that I do have. We went to an educational consultant who helped us choose a placement. It cost $5000 and I think we got ripped off. The place she recommended was already on my short-list of three. I felt comfortable knowing she had been there and knew the staff, however for $5000 we did not get much more.

We sent our son to Youthcare in Utah. http://youthcare.crchealth.com/ It is a crc health group and they have many facilities around the country. Utah was a long way from Florida, but it seemed to be the best program for him. Was it perfect? No, but nothing in life is perfect. Did he learn safe coping skills? Yes. Was he safe? For the most part he was. If a youth wants to hurt or kill themselves they will find a way no matter where they are.

The staff was amazing. The therapists were excellent and the program has an onsite psychiatrist and nurse. Does insurance cover it? No, ours covered one month in a year and the rest we paid for out of pocket. We did run into parents of one client who told us their school board in Illinois was paying for their child 100% to be there because of her diagnosis. I found that amazing because our school board wouldn't even pay for my son to go to a special, low stress school when he was released from full-time care.

If you are ready to spend their college money, then I would recommend Youthcare. Only remember this, unless the parents are willing to work hard and learn the same things their child is learning during their stay at a facility it will only help while they are there. Once home, they will revert back to old, comfortable ways without the much needed support and hard work of their parents.

September 24th, 2013

9/24/2013

Residential Treatment Center part 1

9/23/2013

What is a residential treatment center? According to Wikipedia, "A residential treatment center (RTC), sometimes called a rehab, is a live-in health care facility providing therapy for substance abuse, mental illness, or other behavioral problems. Residential treatment may be considered the "last-ditch" approach to treating Abnormal psychology or Psychopathology."

I find the statement "last-ditch approach" sad. Residential treatment shouldn't have to be a "last-ditch" approach. It is because there are generally no funds to send someone to one of these facilities unless or until they commit a crime and are sentenced to one, your insurance company agrees to pay for, maybe, three weeks, your child is Baker Acted by the police and is required to stay in one, but usually for only three days, or the really "last-ditch" approach, you decide to spend their college money on one.

I don't have the answer on how you get your child into one of these places before you need it as a "last-ditch." I do believe it should not be your last choice. We as parents are often faced with difficult circumstances regarding our children that are out of our scope of capability. When this happens we should be able to find help for them without spending four years of their college savings on four months of care.

The best method is to be proactive right at the beginning. Find your local mental health organizations such as: www.nami.org ; www.nmha.org ; http://www.nimh.nih.gov/outreach/index.shtml
All of these places have information on support groups, information, and training to help parents understand and help their children. Don't sit back and hope it will get better, because without help it will not.

No one expects their child to have a mental illness, but it happens and the best method for a cure is like any illness, catch it early and treat it early. Don't hid it away, reach out to people, it is surprising how supportive they are and you will be surprised who is going through a similar issue, but they never told you. I feel like I have "come out of the closet" in the past few weeks with my son's mental illness and I am surprised that it is freeing.

Invisible Chains

9/21/2013

When we look at our newborn child, we see hope for the future and infinite possibilities for their life. I did not see mental illness for my son. I did not want to be the mother of a child with a mental illness. I wanted to run away from it as I had wanted to run away from all of the symptoms he had displayed in the past, but I couldn’t. I needed to embrace and except it. Mental illness is an intimidating disease that people shy away from, but it is just that, a disease that can be treated.

It is a difficult illness because we can’t see it or often even diagnose it. Everyone wants to be
able to look at their illness on an x-ray or a scan and say, “there it is.” People with mental illness are denied that. There isn’t anything to look at and see, to touch or quantify, it’s just there. We need to realize that mental illness is an illness and we all need to learn more about it for the sake of our
future generations.

Mental Health America’s motto is, “The invisible chains of misunderstanding and discrimination
continue to bind people with mental illnesses and addictions.” We need to help people break free of these bonds so that they can get the help and support needed in a world where mental illness is not something you hide from or are embarrassed by, but rather something that is only an illness in need of a treatment.

Does too much choice cause paralysis?

9/20/2013

I am always amazed, when I eat at the cheesecake factory, by the size of their menu. Instead of feeling thrilled with all of the choices I, instead, always order the same thing so I don't have to go through the approximately thirty pages of the menu and look at the choices.

A friend wanted to change the surface of her outdoor patio. There were so many options, in shape, size, texture, material, and price, that instead of picking one and having the patio redone, she couldn't decide and a year later, the dozen or so samples were still heaped in a pile on her unrenovated patio. She couldn't choose because the pressure was too great. It had to be the perfect choice or else she would be disappointed.

If you haven't listened to TED lectures, look them up. They are a wealth of information on "ideas worth spreading." The following one is by Barry Schwartz.

http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html

He tells us that, "too much choice causes paralysis." Why?

1) "With so many options people find it difficult to choose at all."
2) "We become less satisfied with our choice."

When we have unlimited options available to us our expectations of what we will receive sky rockets. When we don't get what we expected, because how can we that would be perfection, we become dissatisfied.

Dashed expectations are contributory to the explosion in clinical depression and suicide. Depression and suicide was the highest among the 45-54 year old range during 2006-2007. The once happy baby-boomers were no longer happy, why? Because according to Richard Croker, author of The Boomer Century, 1946-2046: How America's Most Influential Generation Changed Everything, "We started accumulating wealth and began focusing on providing for ourselves and our families. That's what we did and now, we're beginning to look around. What's it all about? Many of us are divorced. Our families are spread to the seven winds. We're disappointed."

We're disappointed. We have what we want, choice, freedom to make that choice, and the money to provide the choice, yet we don't get what we want, because we expect it to be perfect and nothing can be perfect.

"The secret to happiness . . ." according to Barry Schwartz, ". . . low expectations."

So keep your expectations low and just make a random choice. It's okay, if you don't like it there is always another one.

Troubled Youth

9/19/2013

Troubled youth, what exactly does that mean? It can mean any number of things, from a defiant teenager, addiction problems, or severe mental illness. It's a minefield description. What do we do with our troubled youth? An equally difficult question.

If you have some money at your disposal or amazing insurance coverage you can send them to residential treatment which ranges from wilderness programs and boot camps to psychiatric facilities.

Do they work? Sure, at least while the youth is there they work. The hard part is when they come home. If the parents don't do the work too and know how to deal with their troubled child once they are out of treatment, old behaviors will return rather quickly.

If you are looking for a treatment program this website is very helpful: http://natsap.org/ If you click under finding a program you can input information and it will give a great list of facilities. I would never send a youth to a place that wasn't accredited.

If money is not at your disposal unfortunately the world of mental health, which is how troubled youth are generally classified, is a difficult one. No one wants to talk about it, and no one wants to pay for it. Of course, things are better than they were a year ago and they will be better next year, but those of you who are dealing with your troubled youth right now and don't know what to do it doesn't help to know it's better than it used to be.

The best advice I can give is to occasionally take time out for yourself. If you are unable to function you will not be able to help your troubled youth. Take any help from family, friends, or other resources that is offered. If none is offered then ask for help. Don't do this alone, don't destroy your life for your troubled youth. Love them, be supportive, and love yourself too.

Boundaries

9/18/2013

Maintaining healthy boundaries with your children is important, it is essential if your child has a mental illness. Boundaries are not easy.

I discovered, after many years, that I was enabling my mentally ill son by doing everything for him. I felt like I was drowning in our relationship. I was not only enabling him, but allowing myself to be codependent by managing his life. I was denying him the opportunity to do things for himself, make mistakes, and progress. It was exceptionally hard, but gradually I took a back seat to organizing his life and let him do most of it himself. It may not have been done the way I would have, but letting him take control allowed him to grow emotionally.

After a difficult period with him I wrote him a letter and said, "We can’t give you want you want; you will have to find that in yourself. We have given you tools to help you, a car, financial support, and moral support. We are trying to step back and let you make choices, your choices for your future, but you have to be responsible for your choices and know they may come with consequences. We will not pick up all the pieces of your life if it goes awry because of the choices you have made. We will still be here, we aren’t going anywhere, and we will still love you. We are not abandoning you, but rather setting some boundaries."

You are not abandoning your child or teen by letting them do things for themselves, but rather setting some boundaries.

Check out the following website for more information on setting boundaries.

http://angela-michelle.hubpages.com/hub/Grieving-a-Mentally-Ill-Person-the-Loss-You-Feel-When-Someone-Becomes-Ill

Prefrontal cortex

9/17/2013

What is the prefrontal cortex? It is the part of the brain responsible for problem solving, emotion, complex thought, expression of personality, impulse restraint, and appropriate social behavior.

A study at MIT said, "According to recent findings, the human brain does not reach full maturity
until at least the mid-20s.The specific changes that follow young adulthood are not yet well studied, but it is known that they involve increased myelination and continued adding and pruning of neurons. As a number of researchers have put it, 'the rental car companies have it right.' The brain isn't fully mature at 16, when we are allowed to drive, or at 18, when we are allowed to vote, or at 21, when we are allowed to drink, but closer to 25, when we are allowed to rent a car."

The part of the brain that is responsible for problem solving, emotion, complex thought, personality, impulse restraint, and appropriate social behavior is not fully developed until about twenty-five years old. Did you ever wonder why your teenager has emotional mood swings, participates in dangerous and stupid activities, is completely impulsive, or is socially inappropriate in public? Well it's because their brain is not developed yet. In fact, they are basically crazy.

My favorite parenting teen book, which I call my bible, is "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!" by Dr. Michael J. Bradley.

As you can see from the pictures of my personal book, it is dog-eared and post-it noted to death. I bought this book when my daughter turned eleven. All of the sudden we couldn't have a conversation without yelling at each other, so I knew I had to do something. I love Dr. Bradley's catch phrase on the cover, "loving your kid without losing your mind." Yep, I think he nailed it.

He states, "Both toddler and adolescent brain at times are unstable, dysfunctional, and completely unpredictable. They both have just developed a bunch of brain circuits that may fire off unexpectedly. Also, they both have neurologically deficient controls to moderate these impulses and to understand the likely outcomes of their actions. In the science of mental health, we have a word for that. We call it crazy."

So what do we do? We read, study, and learn what we need in order to help our teens through these difficult times in their lives. Yelling at them only makes them wonder why you are crazy. Instead we need to be supportive, stay calm, and apologize when we aren't staying calm or being supportive. Remember your teen is technically brain damaged, so be understanding, be supportive, and most of all read Dr. Bradley's book and know that eventually they do grow up.

Time

9/16/2013

"Old Time, in whose banks we deposit our notes
Is a miser who always wants guineas for groats;
He keeps all his customers still in arrears
By lending them minutes and charging them years."
~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Oliver Wendell Holmes said it well; where does the time go? The older you get the quicker it seems to go by.

My son is nineteen today. He was discharged from the psychiatric hospital yesterday. This was his shortest stay in a mental health facility. He is doing well and with each passing year he continues to get better.

Where does the time go? It is all around you; stop, reach out, and grab it before it's too late.

Perception

9/14/2013

Perception according to Wikipedia " . . . is the organization, identification, and interpretation of sensory information in order to represent and understand the environment."

Your perception is dissimilar to mine. The sensory information you process is unlike mine, so our perception of what we see and feel is different. If you have a mental illness, perception can be skewed. Those with a mental illness often feel locked in a world without a key to their future. They see their life disappear, while those around them move toward a fulfilling life.

"Life awaits, meaningful friendships, inspiring work, independence, your place in the world. They’re all waiting, just outside your door. Now imagine if that door was locked. No key, no side exits, you’re trapped - while everybody else blossoms around you. That’s what it feels like growing up with a mental illness." Perception, TNT

Find your key and change your perception.

One step forward, ten steps back

9/13/2013

My son is currently in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. He went to the ER on Wednesday and they kept him for suicidal ideation.

This is progress. It doesn't seem like it to the average onlooker, but he didn't hurt himself, he just reached out to me and said, "I can't do it, just not anymore."

He told me he didn't want help, but he reached out to me. He said, "I don't wanna start over. I just wanna finish," yet, he reached out, listened, and drove himself to the hospital for help.

Progress is measured in many different ways. My son wrote this is his journal a few years ago, "A state of depression envelopes over and it feels as though all progress is lost. Although, I realize that progress is measured by my ability to cope. And therefore my progress grows."

His progress is growing everyday. He is only nineteen, he is so young and has only experienced a small portion of life. He thinks he can never get better, yet he is already better than he was a year ago.

Mental health is complicated. One step forward can result in ten steps back, or one step forward can just be one step forward.

Validation

9/12/2013

Validate your child, teen, or partner. Don't diminish their feelings because you disagree with them. Everyone deserves to have their feelings accepted for what they are without judgement. Validating someone's feelings lets them feel heard, acknowledged, understood, and accepted.

Who is your 1 in 4?

9/11/2013

Did you know that one (1) out of every four (4) adults in the United States will be affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives? And that mental health problems affect one (1) in five (5)
children and adolescents?

www.nami.org

LEWIS CARROLL, Alice in Wonderland

9/6/2013

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.