What I Learned as a Parent of a Teenager Who Self-Harms
https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/what-i-learned-as-a-parent-of-a-teenager-who-124005167.html
Theresa and her son. (Photo: Theresa Larsen)
My teenage son took a knife out of the kitchen drawer. Feeling stripped of power and control, he believed the only thing he had left was pain. Behind the locked door of his room he began with his left arm. With each slice he traded his emotional anguish for physical pain. It was just enough to suppress his desire to die.
I discovered my son was cutting after he gouged his hand severely enough to require stitches. It was only after I asked him to wash his hands, after pulling up his sleeves, that I saw the other marks.
What did I do wrong as a parent?
That’s what I asked myself. I was angry and confused. Why would he cut himself? Why would anyone want to deliberately hurt themselves? What I didn’t know was how great his internal pain was. I didn’t know what he had been experiencing inside for many years. I didn’t know how deeply he had buried his misery. I didn’t know every day my child fought to keep himself alive. Every day he won his battle and I never knew there was a fight.
After my anger subsided, I wondered why I didn’t notice my child needed help. I wondered why he didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t come to me and tell me about his torment.
That’s when the blame started.
I blamed myself for not being a good enough mother. I blamed myself that my sweet boy didn’t think I would understand how he felt. I blamed myself for being too busy or too self-involved or too anything other than the “perfect mother.” I blamed myself for not knowing. I believed I should have known. This was my child. Wasn’t I supposed to have some kind of intuition about these things? I was supposed to protect my child from any harm thrown his way, but how could I protect him from himself? How could I take away my child’s pain when I didn’t even know it was there?
How does the parent of someone who self-harms heal from the physical pain inflicted on her soul?
I had many steps to take and lessons to learn along the way to my own healing.
My first lesson was on validation. This concept was explained to me by my son’s mental health counselor after a session where my son said that he hated himself and wanted to die. He said, “It’s my life, and death should be my choice.” Instead of listening, I told him how wonderful he was and listed all the reasons he had for living. I now know this isn’t what my child needed. He needed to feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted. Validation is sometimes not easy for parents. We’re ingrained to find solutions to our children’s problems, but sometimes in doing so we invalidate what they’re feeling. This was a difficult behavior for me to change. I spent most of my parenting life invalidating my children without even knowing it, from monsters under the bed to the desire for piercings or tattoos. I didn’t have to agree with what my child voiced, I just had to hear what he said, and accept and acknowledge his feelings as his own.
Because I spent an enormous amount of time helping my son survive, I was depleted of energy and on the verge of a meltdown. I knew I had to do something or I wouldn’t have the strength to continue being an effective parent. This is when I realized I needed therapy just as much as my son. The next step I took was to find a counselor for myself. Personal counseling is very important for anyone going through a difficult time. It’s important to get advice and support from a professional in order to gain perspective.
After years of focusing on my son and doing everything for him, I finally learned, through trial and error, I didn’t have to be the “perfect mother,” just one who listened her child, didn’t judge the choices he made and loved him unconditionally. I discovered I couldn’t solve my son’s issues or change his behavior; he would have to do that for himself.
My final step toward healing was recognizing we had a co-dependent parent/child relationship. With the help of my counselor, I learned how to communicate with my son without making all of the decisions about his health and his future. I was there to offer encouragement and guidance, but I took a step back and allowed him to make his own choices. Our relationship changed from an enabling one to a nurturing one. It didn’t happen overnight. The shift was a slow process spanning several months, but it did happen. I was able to let my son handle decisions for himself, allowing him to feel pride in what he did, and then I could validate him for it.
With each step I not only helped myself, but I helped my son. I stood by his side, helped him through difficult times, counseled him and I also reluctantly stood back and let him make mistakes. Each time he faltered, each time he fell, he would get up and start over.
Being a parent wasn’t what I had dreamed it would be. Instead it was painful, brutal, arduous and exhausting. But it was also rewarding and fulfilling. No matter what obstacles I had to face, being a parent always required love and acceptance. I learned I could trade pain for love.
Editor’s note: These lessons are based on an individual’s experience. If you or a loved one is engaging in self-harm, please talk to a professional.
9 Facts I Wish I'd Known When I Discovered My Son Was Self-Harming
https://themighty.com/2017/07/what-to-know-about-child-self-harming-and-how-to-help/
July 9, 2017
Article updated August 12, 2019.
Editor’s note: If you struggle with self-harm, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.
As a parent, I wanted to protect my child from all the bad things that might come into his life, but how could I protect him from himself? I discovered my son’s self-injurious behavior when he was 14. I knew practically nothing about self-harm then, but as the years went on I learned a great deal. Here is what I wish I had known.
1. It’s not attention seeking behavior, but rather a cry for help.
I thought harming himself was a way to get attention, sort of a rebellious teenage “badge.” I quickly learned my child was not trying to get attention; he was screaming for help. Self-harm was the only way he knew how to communicate his intense pain. By doing so, he was releasing endorphins into his brain, much like a drug. These endorphins helped to relieve some of his emotional trauma and actually made him feel better. However, the feeling doesn’t last, and then the self-harmer is left with physical scars and a feeling of shame.
2. It’s not a suicide attempt; it is a coping skill for dealing with intense and overwhelming emotions.
It’s called non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI). NSSI is used as a coping skill to deal with an emotional overload. My son often said he self-harmed to stop himself from completing suicide. This is a prevalent method used for those dealing with suicidal ideation; it is an attempt to alleviate the feeling of wanting to die. The big difference here is intent. The intent of NSSI is to escape the severe emotional pain, but still remain alive. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work. Many self-harmers have attempted suicide and even intentionally or accidentally completed suicide. One of the other dangers of NSSI is that it can become obsessive, compulsive and even addictive. Stopping once you have experienced the endorphin release can be difficult and can take years to overcome.
3. Talking about self-harm with your child will not put the idea in their head.
If you have a reason to believe your child is thinking about self-harming, talking to them will not give them the idea. Most likely they have heard about it from friends, classmates or online, and if they have already self-harmed, discussing it won’t make it worse. If they haven’t heard of it, it is important to have an intelligent and accurate conversation about what self-harm is, why people engage in it, and why you think it isn’t the right path to choose. This conversation should include all of the positive coping skills that are available.
Talking about self-injury is important. Do this privately, with compassion and without judgment. Chances are your child already feels confused. Knowing they can come to you and talk, without being judged, can make all the difference in what choices they make in the future.
4. Ignoring it will not make it go away.
When things get difficult in our lives we often want to bury our heads in the sand, hoping the problem will go away. This does not work. Do not ignore your child’s self-injurious behavior. It will not go away on its own. Be the parent you need to need to be for your child. You can help them through this difficult time in their lives and both of you can come out on the other side stronger than you were before.
5. Going to the hospital or doctor every time is not necessary.
This is a time when you need to be objective as a parent. If you think your child’s self-injury is out of control and they are in danger of completing suicide, take them to the hospital. If your child has hurt themselves severely, take them to the hospital. Beyond this there is no right or wrong answer as to when you should take your child to the doctor or the hospital after an episode of self-injury. Discuss their actions with your medical professional or counselor. You must use your best parental judgment and decide what is best for your child in that moment. No two situations are the same and nobody can make that decision for you.
6. Getting angry at your child does not help.
Oh, I have been there. After years of helping my son overcome his desire to self-harm, when I thought he had “beaten” the addiction, he did it again. Oh yeah, I was angry, but it didn’t help. It didn’t even make me feel better; I only suffered remorse later. How could I be angry at my boy who was struggling with intense pain? Getting angry doesn’t help anyone.
7. Validate your child’s feelings instead of trying to fix the problem.
As parents, we want to “fix” problems. Often the best thing to do in this situation is to validate their feelings. Validation does not mean you agree with their choice of self-harm; instead, it’s telling them it is OK to have these feelings and you still love them. This will help your child feel accepted, understood and heard.
8. Finding the right therapist is imperative.
This is truly a tough one. Can you even find the right therapist? Some people say no, but I do believe there are competent therapists out there. Don’t be afraid to interview them in advance and ask questions about their therapeutic process. A parent alone cannot do everything for their child, especially if that child is unwell. There comes a time when you must relinquish control and realize you do not have all the skills needed to help your child move to a healthy place.
9. It’s not your fault.
There is a propensity in society to blame the parents for the “faults” of their children. In a few small cases this may be appropriate, but they are few. When it comes to self-harm and mental illness, it’s not your fault. Do not blame yourself. You did not want this for your child, nobody does.
The majority of parents are giving their children the best care and opportunities they can. Do not judge others in their parenting, instead, offer empathy and compassion. You never know when you might find yourself in a similar situation.
Editor’s note: This story has been published with permission from the author’s son.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.
Why I’m Grateful for My Son’s Self-Injury
https://themighty.com/2016/04/mom-grateful-for-sons-self-injury/
April 23, 2016
Sometimes you are so low you don’t know how to pick yourself up. All you want to do is crawl in a corner and die. Most days are like that for my son.
“Carrying the weight of depression on my back, a heavy obstacle to overcome. Looking for a place to set it down and clamber over, but I can’t find the right spot. I don’t know what to do. How will I move past this?” — Matthew’s journals
My son, “Matthew,” (name has been changed) plays guitar, piano and loves to draw. He is sensitive and kind, but easily offended and emotionally vulnerable. He is intelligent and often has high expectations and unrealistic goals he can’t always achieve. Not reaching those goals makes him angry and ashamed.
When Matthew was 11 years old he said, “There’s no point in living.” I did not give this statement the attention it deserved. I did not realize what it meant.
I discovered the slices on my son’s arms in January of 2009, just four months after his 14th birthday. Cutting himself wasn’t the first mark of troubled emotions. He didn’t want to go to school or complete his homework. He was irritable and didn’t want to participate in family activities. He often isolated in his room. I equated his attitude with “being a teenager.”
Physically hurting himself was different. Matthew’s depression wasn’t always outwardly noticeable, there were signs, if I had known what to look for and had thought to look. Without uttering a word Matthew’s self-injury told us unmistakably that he was deeply distressed.
Once I knew Matthew was suffering with some unsaid anguish, I did everything I could to help him handle his emotions. Unfortunately what I was able to give my son was not enough. For several months I watched Matthew struggle with an intense emotional burden that threatened to overwhelm him. He saw psychiatrists and counselors. Took medication and learned therapeutic skills. Nothing released his pain like self-harm. He continued to come to me with shame and remorse after cutting.
After an episode of self-injury the suicidal sadness and anger we saw in Matthew was suppressed, an emerging pattern. Cutting apparently gave him a release from his emotional turmoil, and then he could cope with life. It was dangerous.
My son spent many months in psychiatric facilities learning healthy skills to apply to his major depressive disorder. During his time in one facility he stated, “Death is my only option out of my emotional pain.” He truly believed that life at times simply was not worth living.
In one week Matthew could waver on the precipice of death and self-destruction and the next week he could stay positive and shift forward. Little by little, and after an enormous amount of work and pain, he was able to see that maybe there was something better than hurting himself to manage his illness.
During group therapy in Matthew’s final day at a treatment center, he told his peers, “Hang in there and have hope. It does get better.”
Before full-time treatment, my son was not able to share his emotional pain because of the stigma associated with his illness. He blamed himself. He felt ashamed and embarrassed. So instead of talking, he cut. Not everyone who self-harms is depressed, but everyone who self-harms is using it as a negative coping skill to endure some hidden emotion.
I can look back now after a great deal of progress, and after reading stories of young people who have taken their own life and their parents were not even aware that their child was depressed, and say that I am grateful my son self-harmed. I would never have thought those words could come out of my mouth, but I know the alternative is my worst nightmare.
I don’t condone self-injurious behavior; I think it is addictive and destructive. But, I am thankful my son chose this outward display of his emotional pain, instead of burying it deep within himself, only to carry out the ultimate release.
I am reminded of the story of Corrie Ten Boom who wrote the best-selling book, “The Hiding Place.“ Corrie tells the story of her family and their work to help Jews escape the Nazi holocaust during World War II. The family was discovered and imprisoned, after saving over 800 lives. Corrie and her sister managed to sneak a Bible into the concentration camp, a crime punishable by death. In their horrific living conditions, Corrie and her sister Betsie, continued to “be thankful in all things.” They lived in barracks infested with fleas and found a way to be thankful for the fleas. They soon discovered that it was the fleas that keep the guards from coming in to harass the prisoners and it was the fleas that keep the guards from searching their barracks and finding their Bible.
For many years I was not thankful for my son’s actions to overcome his depression. In fact I was angry and embarrassed. When I was able to step back and see his behavior objectively, I understood that the self-injury saved his life.
If Matthew had not felt the shame of depression, maybe he would have discussed it with me, instead of hurting himself. If he had not felt alone, maybe he would have been able to seek out helpful coping skills from his parents, teachers or friends instead of having to carry the burden of depression all on his own.
I am grateful for my son’s self-harming behavior. He silently screamed for help. He is alive today and doing well, having overcome the addiction of cutting and the stigma of self-harm and depression. He is no longer afraid to ask for help.
LOOK: For the signs of depression.
LISTEN: To your child and yourself-don’t be afraid to talk.
GO: Find the help you need.
If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Self-Harm: Legitimate Coping Skill or a Silent Scream for Help?
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/03/self-harm-legitimate-coping-skill-or-a-silent-scream-for-help/
In an article I wrote titled “Why I’m Grateful for My Son’s Self-Injury,” I describe my son’s depression and the use of cutting to release some of his inner pain. This self-injury turned into an addictive and compulsive act that culminated in several suicide attempts. Cutting became his demon; one that needed to be fed, demanded attention, and was in control. No longer was my son the master of himself, the demon was. He described it as a monster, an obsession, “I want to cradle my obsession and love my obsession. . .the monster that has festered for, it seems like an eternity, inside of me. . .”
Self-Harm was used by my son as a coping skill. Sometimes it reduced his inner turmoil and sometimes it drew him to the brink of suicide. He did not know how he would feel or react when he was in the midst of the demon’s clutches. He did not realize that it was holding him back from achieving all of his aspirations.
Not everyone who self-harms is as absorbed as my son became, but many become overwhelmed by its addictive pull. My son stated in a personal poem, “If only I knew the weight of my decision and stopped the self-harm at the first incision.” He knew that he should not have started cutting, but once he began he couldn’t stop. He wanted help and the wounds were his way of silently screaming for that help.
Many articles describe cutting in a very different way. I have read authors describe self-injury as having a purpose as a “legitimate coping mechanism.”
The word legitimate means real, genuine, not false as well as conforming to known principles and accepted rules. Can self-injurious behavior be labeled as a legitimate coping mechanism?
If classifying an act of violence toward oneself-where blood is shed, bruises are created, hair is pulled out or poison is ingested-as a legitimate skill to cope with emotional turmoil, sadness, anxiety, anger or rejection; wouldn’t substance abuse, excessive drinking, eating disorders or engaging in dangerous, life-threatening activities also have to fall under the category of a legitimate coping mechanism?
What does the word coping really mean?
In Psychology, coping “is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.”
The term coping generally refers to adaptive or constructive coping strategies, i.e. the strategies reduce stress levels. However, some coping strategies can be considered maladaptive, i.e. stress levels increase. Maladaptive coping can thus be described, in effect, as non-coping.
Self-Harm as a coping strategy does work for many people and they would say it reduces stress, but only for a short time. Often shame and embarrassment follow the act of self-injurious behavior and this can increase stress levels, so self-harm could be described as a maladaptive coping skill. In the long run it is not helping the person to solve and master their problems; it is becoming one of the problems.
Anyone who self-harms should not be shamed or criticized for their actions. To be in a place where the only thing that takes away your emotional pain is physical pain is a terrible place to be. Self-Harmers need to be loved, unconditionally, and treated with respect and compassion. They need to know that they will not be judged, ignored or mocked. They need guidance to find constructive coping strategies, so the day will come when hurting themselves is no longer an option.
I am the parent of a cutter, I have never personally engaged in self-injurious behavior and I cannot say that I fully understand how someone feels when they make the decision to hurt themselves. I can tell you how heart-wrenching it is to watch your child suffer. I can tell you how helpless you feel when your child is in pain. I can tell you that a parent would do anything to take that pain away.
I did everything I could to help my son deal with his anguish in a productive way, a way that provided him with life skills for the future. It was a battle to persuade him that cutting, although “soothing” in the moment, was actually doing more harm than good. In order for him to fully heal–physically, socially, and emotionally–he needed to face his emotional demons head on. When he finally did, it set him on a path to seek out positive coping skills, it didn’t happen overnight and there were years of ups and downs, but eventually my son realized that self-harm held him back from achieving all of his hopes and dreams.
“A single reason to continue on this path I have made for such a long time has left me completely. I am slowly beginning to realize what this has held me from becoming, that I am capable of achieving all my aspirations. That the monster that has festered for, it seems like an eternity, inside of me can be tamed, and being held back from the true self will only cause me to bask in the reality that is me. Relishing every moment I succeed.”—Matthew’s journals
Is self-injury a legitimate coping skill or a scream for help? What do you think?
Self-Harm was used by my son as a coping skill. Sometimes it reduced his inner turmoil and sometimes it drew him to the brink of suicide. He did not know how he would feel or react when he was in the midst of the demon’s clutches. He did not realize that it was holding him back from achieving all of his aspirations.
Not everyone who self-harms is as absorbed as my son became, but many become overwhelmed by its addictive pull. My son stated in a personal poem, “If only I knew the weight of my decision and stopped the self-harm at the first incision.” He knew that he should not have started cutting, but once he began he couldn’t stop. He wanted help and the wounds were his way of silently screaming for that help.
Many articles describe cutting in a very different way. I have read authors describe self-injury as having a purpose as a “legitimate coping mechanism.”
The word legitimate means real, genuine, not false as well as conforming to known principles and accepted rules. Can self-injurious behavior be labeled as a legitimate coping mechanism?
If classifying an act of violence toward oneself-where blood is shed, bruises are created, hair is pulled out or poison is ingested-as a legitimate skill to cope with emotional turmoil, sadness, anxiety, anger or rejection; wouldn’t substance abuse, excessive drinking, eating disorders or engaging in dangerous, life-threatening activities also have to fall under the category of a legitimate coping mechanism?
What does the word coping really mean?
In Psychology, coping “is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.”
The term coping generally refers to adaptive or constructive coping strategies, i.e. the strategies reduce stress levels. However, some coping strategies can be considered maladaptive, i.e. stress levels increase. Maladaptive coping can thus be described, in effect, as non-coping.
Self-Harm as a coping strategy does work for many people and they would say it reduces stress, but only for a short time. Often shame and embarrassment follow the act of self-injurious behavior and this can increase stress levels, so self-harm could be described as a maladaptive coping skill. In the long run it is not helping the person to solve and master their problems; it is becoming one of the problems.
Anyone who self-harms should not be shamed or criticized for their actions. To be in a place where the only thing that takes away your emotional pain is physical pain is a terrible place to be. Self-Harmers need to be loved, unconditionally, and treated with respect and compassion. They need to know that they will not be judged, ignored or mocked. They need guidance to find constructive coping strategies, so the day will come when hurting themselves is no longer an option.
I am the parent of a cutter, I have never personally engaged in self-injurious behavior and I cannot say that I fully understand how someone feels when they make the decision to hurt themselves. I can tell you how heart-wrenching it is to watch your child suffer. I can tell you how helpless you feel when your child is in pain. I can tell you that a parent would do anything to take that pain away.
I did everything I could to help my son deal with his anguish in a productive way, a way that provided him with life skills for the future. It was a battle to persuade him that cutting, although “soothing” in the moment, was actually doing more harm than good. In order for him to fully heal–physically, socially, and emotionally–he needed to face his emotional demons head on. When he finally did, it set him on a path to seek out positive coping skills, it didn’t happen overnight and there were years of ups and downs, but eventually my son realized that self-harm held him back from achieving all of his hopes and dreams.
“A single reason to continue on this path I have made for such a long time has left me completely. I am slowly beginning to realize what this has held me from becoming, that I am capable of achieving all my aspirations. That the monster that has festered for, it seems like an eternity, inside of me can be tamed, and being held back from the true self will only cause me to bask in the reality that is me. Relishing every moment I succeed.”—Matthew’s journals
Is self-injury a legitimate coping skill or a scream for help? What do you think?
How 13 Reasons Why Can Prompt 1 Reason Why Not
“There are 13 sides to every story,” Hannah Baker, the star of the Netflix original series, 13 Reasons Why, says in the first episode. This series, which debuted in March of 2017, portrays Hannah Baker’s point of view, or as one of the characters eloquently puts it, “Her truth.” This is a story of someone broken down by a series of events in her life that compel her to feel hopeless, helpless, and wishing for death.
This was her truth. It was told from her vantage point and while many people may not agree with how she responded to the crises that unfolded in her life, it was her choice…or was it?
Of course, Hannah Baker is just a character in a TV show, but the show makes people question how others handle situations differently. For instance, a specific event, such as an abuse, may bring one person to the brink of suicide, while another person may be able to “shrug it off” and put it behind them. Both reactions can be considered normal, but they are completely different responses to a similar incident.
Hannah tells her story exactly as she saw it, however that doesn’t mean the way she views the world is the way it was. It is her perspective and each and every one of us sees things from a different viewpoint. And Hannah is only 17, she doesn’t have a lot of life experiences to draw from to let her know that the situation she is in right now won’t last forever, that the choices she makes don’t have to define who she is, and that things can get better.
Everyone who viewed this series has their own conflicting opinions on how things were handled.
Were the tapes seen as vindictive or just an explanation?
Is this really how things are at most high schools or did they over exaggerate?
Should they have shown the suicide scene or left it to the imagination?
Did Hannah have a mental illness or not?
Did Hannah make a “choice” to end her life or was it inevitable?
These are questions that can have multiple answers or maybe no answers at all.
The mental health community have raised concerns that mental illness was not discussed in the series. This could have been an opportunity for an open, honest conversation about mental health issues.
However, this was a show based on a young woman who takes her own life. The writers did not give a great deal of opportunity for anyone to help Hannah or talk about mental health, except possibly the incompetent school counselor, because it would have steered the topic away from the tragic ending. And Hannah was portrayed as not being particularly skilled at verbalizing how she felt, mostly because she was only 17 and partly because when she did speak out she was often pushed away or made to feel worse.
In my opinion, there was not enough information given to make an informed decision about the state of Hannah’s mental health. She possibly showed signs of depression. She certainly showed signs of PTSD.
More than 90% of people who die by suicide have been diagnosed with a mental illness. But we can’t make a diagnosis based on the limited view of Hannah’s emotional state. Did she or didn’t she have a mental illness? We will never know.
Could Hannah have reached out to her parents? Absolutely.
Could she have reached out to another adult that she trusted? Absolutely.
Is there a lesson to be learned from this series? Absolutely.
As a parent I think everyone who raises children should watch these thirteen episodes. They should watch the companion piece, “Beyond the Reasons,” which gives insight into why the directors and producers did what they did. It also portrays professionals explaining how to educate youth on sexual consent and offering information on suicide and depression. This controversial series should not be ignored. In this case ignorance is not bliss. These types of situations are going on in our schools on a daily basis. We must educate ourselves and our children, so that they don’t become one of the statistics.
13 Reasons Why has raised awareness. It has spurred people, schools, and communities to discuss bullying, sexual assault, suicide, and mental illness. It has made a difference, because people are talking. They are debating, they are researching, and they are discussing their reasons why not.
Every one of us can strive to be that person that someone reaches out to. That sees, listens, and acknowledges. It’s not a difficult thing to do, it just takes compassion, empathy, and a big heaping of validation.
This was her truth. It was told from her vantage point and while many people may not agree with how she responded to the crises that unfolded in her life, it was her choice…or was it?
Of course, Hannah Baker is just a character in a TV show, but the show makes people question how others handle situations differently. For instance, a specific event, such as an abuse, may bring one person to the brink of suicide, while another person may be able to “shrug it off” and put it behind them. Both reactions can be considered normal, but they are completely different responses to a similar incident.
Hannah tells her story exactly as she saw it, however that doesn’t mean the way she views the world is the way it was. It is her perspective and each and every one of us sees things from a different viewpoint. And Hannah is only 17, she doesn’t have a lot of life experiences to draw from to let her know that the situation she is in right now won’t last forever, that the choices she makes don’t have to define who she is, and that things can get better.
Everyone who viewed this series has their own conflicting opinions on how things were handled.
Were the tapes seen as vindictive or just an explanation?
Is this really how things are at most high schools or did they over exaggerate?
Should they have shown the suicide scene or left it to the imagination?
Did Hannah have a mental illness or not?
Did Hannah make a “choice” to end her life or was it inevitable?
These are questions that can have multiple answers or maybe no answers at all.
The mental health community have raised concerns that mental illness was not discussed in the series. This could have been an opportunity for an open, honest conversation about mental health issues.
However, this was a show based on a young woman who takes her own life. The writers did not give a great deal of opportunity for anyone to help Hannah or talk about mental health, except possibly the incompetent school counselor, because it would have steered the topic away from the tragic ending. And Hannah was portrayed as not being particularly skilled at verbalizing how she felt, mostly because she was only 17 and partly because when she did speak out she was often pushed away or made to feel worse.
In my opinion, there was not enough information given to make an informed decision about the state of Hannah’s mental health. She possibly showed signs of depression. She certainly showed signs of PTSD.
More than 90% of people who die by suicide have been diagnosed with a mental illness. But we can’t make a diagnosis based on the limited view of Hannah’s emotional state. Did she or didn’t she have a mental illness? We will never know.
Could Hannah have reached out to her parents? Absolutely.
Could she have reached out to another adult that she trusted? Absolutely.
Is there a lesson to be learned from this series? Absolutely.
As a parent I think everyone who raises children should watch these thirteen episodes. They should watch the companion piece, “Beyond the Reasons,” which gives insight into why the directors and producers did what they did. It also portrays professionals explaining how to educate youth on sexual consent and offering information on suicide and depression. This controversial series should not be ignored. In this case ignorance is not bliss. These types of situations are going on in our schools on a daily basis. We must educate ourselves and our children, so that they don’t become one of the statistics.
13 Reasons Why has raised awareness. It has spurred people, schools, and communities to discuss bullying, sexual assault, suicide, and mental illness. It has made a difference, because people are talking. They are debating, they are researching, and they are discussing their reasons why not.
Every one of us can strive to be that person that someone reaches out to. That sees, listens, and acknowledges. It’s not a difficult thing to do, it just takes compassion, empathy, and a big heaping of validation.