My beautiful boy
My son turned 21 today. There have been many days in the past when I did not think he would live to see another birthday. He lives with severe depression, suicidal thoughts, and sometimes psychosis. He lives and he is thriving. Some days I don’t know where he finds the strength, yet he does. He is a fighter.
There have been times when he has said to me-
“I don’t want to start over, I just want to finish.”
“I don’t want to go on, I just want to give up.”
“I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I just want to die.”
And he hasn’t quit. He has gone on to establish a life for himself, a life that he has chosen on a path of his making and he is happy.
A year and a half ago, my son was struggling to find a reason to live. I stepped back instead of charging forward. I stood by my boundaries instead of caving in. I took a risk instead of taking over. And because I did and because of the steps he took something shifted in him. He changed, he grew, and he found a reason to live. This was not an easy thing to do for either of us. My son had spent 17 months in residential psychiatric treatment, he had learned many positive skills to help him cope, and he knew the boundaries that were in place. I wanted to coddle him and protect him, but that was no longer healthy for me and no longer helpful for him. He had to take responsibility for himself. It could have been the wrong choice, but at that moment it wasn’t the wrong choice.
I asked my son months ago about that difficult time in his life and he said, “I never want to be in that place again.”
September is suicide awareness month. Knowing the signs of suicide can save a life. There are fantastic organizations dedicated to suicide awareness on my resources page.
Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No one knows what life will bring in the next hour, day, week, month or year.
My daughter sent me a link to this amazing poem by Meggie Royer who looks at suicide from a different perspective. Please check out her work.
http://writingsforwinter.tumblr.com/post/125560163524/the-morning-after-i-killed-myself
The most powerful comment I saw about this piece was from a man who’s brother completed suicide and he said, “He didn’t end his pain, he just passed it on.”
I love my son very much and want the best and brightest future for him. A future that he choices for himself and one that creates happiness and peace in his life.
There have been times when he has said to me-
“I don’t want to start over, I just want to finish.”
“I don’t want to go on, I just want to give up.”
“I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I just want to die.”
And he hasn’t quit. He has gone on to establish a life for himself, a life that he has chosen on a path of his making and he is happy.
A year and a half ago, my son was struggling to find a reason to live. I stepped back instead of charging forward. I stood by my boundaries instead of caving in. I took a risk instead of taking over. And because I did and because of the steps he took something shifted in him. He changed, he grew, and he found a reason to live. This was not an easy thing to do for either of us. My son had spent 17 months in residential psychiatric treatment, he had learned many positive skills to help him cope, and he knew the boundaries that were in place. I wanted to coddle him and protect him, but that was no longer healthy for me and no longer helpful for him. He had to take responsibility for himself. It could have been the wrong choice, but at that moment it wasn’t the wrong choice.
I asked my son months ago about that difficult time in his life and he said, “I never want to be in that place again.”
September is suicide awareness month. Knowing the signs of suicide can save a life. There are fantastic organizations dedicated to suicide awareness on my resources page.
Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No one knows what life will bring in the next hour, day, week, month or year.
My daughter sent me a link to this amazing poem by Meggie Royer who looks at suicide from a different perspective. Please check out her work.
http://writingsforwinter.tumblr.com/post/125560163524/the-morning-after-i-killed-myself
The most powerful comment I saw about this piece was from a man who’s brother completed suicide and he said, “He didn’t end his pain, he just passed it on.”
I love my son very much and want the best and brightest future for him. A future that he choices for himself and one that creates happiness and peace in his life.
RSS Feed