Theresa Larsen
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Death Is My Choice?

8/18/2014

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Do those who have a mental illness and commit suicide die from the illness or a choice? After the sudden death of Robin Williams there has been debate on whether suicide is a choice for those with a mental illness. I honestly don't think anyone is able to judge what another person is going through or what is going on in that person's mind. To think you know exactly what someone else is feeling is ludicrous. 

In some instances of mental illness suicide may be a choice. When my son was battling severe depression he often wrote about his feelings. It appeared at times that he would have chosen death if given the opportunity as he wrote here, "Demand for the cure. A cure for such an incredible amount of suffering, that has brought me nothing but agony. Death is my choice to rid me of my penalty."
This is not to say he would have chosen it lightly. The depths of despair that must come with the thoughts of ending it all can only be felt by that individual experiencing the despair. Another person could never know how they would react if faced with the same misery, or even if their misery is the same. No one chooses to feel suicidal, no one chooses to endure a mental illness, and in the abyss of depression there often is no choice to feel happiness, excitement, or hope. I believe hope is often taken out of the equation, because when the mind is so utterly despondent it can not think forwardly or outwardly, it probably isn't thinking much at all.
There were times, when it seemed that my son had no control over his actions, and therefore no choice. And during those times he wrote, “Hopeless, no point in continuing. Hope for a change. There is no hope. No god. No one to help us. No one to stop us. No one to save us from ourselves. This is out. Out of our control. I want to choose life, but death keeps pulling me back under and suffocating me."
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Do I have all the answers? No. Do I know what it's like to be on the brink of suicide? No. Can I tell you that if I was severely depressed and suicide seemed the only path forward that I would be able to choose not to kill myself? No. The common factor? No.

No one knows what it is like to be on the precipice of suicide and then to kill yourself, no one can tell you how they felt or whether they had a choice, because they are no longer here. To say "Robin Williams didn't die from a disease, he died from his choice" is saying that you know what he felt and what he was thinking. It is to say that the disease wasn't relevant enough to have killed him inside already, before his body was killed. It is to say that you are a mind reader. It is to say that you are a god, and we know that is not true. 

Is there hope out there for those who struggle with severe, debilitating depression? Absolutely! There will always be hope, but maybe not control or dare I say it? Choice.

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    The views expressed on this page are my own and should not be used to replace licensed medical care. Please note some stories may cause triggers for self-harm.

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