I wrote recently about existentialism and decided to follow up with an excerpt on how my son coped after dwelling on existentialism with his counselor. We decided to move him from the psychiatric facility he had been in for thirteen months to one that was closer to home.
“No one will ever be able to keep me safe,” were the final words Matthew uttered during our conversation, a phrase we had heard before.
Matthew was back to delusional thinking and questioning life almost daily. All the progress he made slowly slipped away.
I decided for Matthew’s long-term care it would benefit him to be close to home, and despite my apprehension, the best location for him to recover was where he started, UNC.
We told Matthew he would move him from Life View to UNC on October 28. I arranged for the same transport service to escort him to Florida.
Matthew was excited to relocate at the end of the month. His mood significantly changed after he was told of his upcoming return to Florida.
Kathy was cautious and said, “Improvements in mood should be viewed with caution, as he will likely return to a depressed state once the realization sets in that he continues to be in residential treatment.” (Life View discharge summary)
Life View kept Matthew on suicide precautions until his discharge, “as he becomes high risk when experiencing change.” (Precaution Review Note, Life View)
The last recreational therapy activity Matthew participated in was Halloween pumpkin carving. Matthew smiled as he agreed to keep himself safe with the carving tools and remembered that this was the first activity he engaged in when he arrived at Life View, and here he was participating in it again 376 days later.
Thursday October 28 at five p.m., Erik and I sat in the lobby of UNC awaiting Matthew and his transport team. We looked around and then looked at each other, having the same thought, crap here we are again!
Matthew entered through the two locked doors. We had come full circle.
The free dictionary describes coming full circle as "to return to the same situation or attitude you originally had."
To come full circle can have a negative or a positive connotation. It's what you choose to do with the situation that matters. If you use "starting at the beginning" as a learning tool, it can give you immense strength.
Matthew changed within four months from saying, "No one will ever be able to keep me safe," to an enlightened and motivated young man.
When he finally left full-time psychiatric treatment after seventeen arduous months, he wrote this in his journal--
To come full circle can have a negative or a positive connotation. It's what you choose to do with the situation that matters. If you use "starting at the beginning" as a learning tool, it can give you immense strength.
Matthew changed within four months from saying, "No one will ever be able to keep me safe," to an enlightened and motivated young man.
When he finally left full-time psychiatric treatment after seventeen arduous months, he wrote this in his journal--
“A single reason to continue on this path I have made for such a long time has left me completely. Now I find myself searching for what used to be, instead of what should be. Lost and confused, I stagger back and forth for a while, trying to find my balance. The initial shock has kicked in and a life with this, this lack of what I depended on, is flashing before my eyes. At first glance I yearn for my satisfaction once again. I want to cradle my obsession and love my obsession, but leaving impulse behind requires me to think forwardly and consequentially. The potential my life now holds is not fathomable. I am slowly beginning to realize what this has held me from becoming, that I am capable of achieving all my aspirations. That the monster that has festered for, it seems like an eternity, inside of me can be tamed, and being held back from the true self will only cause me to bask in the reality that is me. Relishing every moment I succeed.”--Matthew’s journals
Relish every moment you succeed. Starting over doesn't mean starting from nothing. Tools for growth and enlightenment are all around. Grab one and use it wisely.
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